Parenting with Purpose: Five Keys to Raising Children with Values and Vision

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His children usually wanted to negotiate one additional privilege, such as being able to go to the store by themselves or stay up 30 minutes later. Together they negotiated one additional responsibility that they might be expected to take on, reinforcing the fact that additional privileges also carried with them additional responsibilities.

It helps to have established routines for getting ready for bed or school, handling chores, and studying. When set and followed on a daily basis, routines eliminate the need for constant reminding and the resulting resentment on the part of children. It also makes it easier for children to follow the same routine each day and gives them a feeling of being responsible and in control of their lives. Creating a Sense of Security Some activities to consider: 1.

Help your very young child memorize his or her full name, address, and telephone number. Establish routines for your children for getting ready for school, meal time, doing schoolwork, and getting ready for school. Review your expectations of your children with respect to chores, bedtime procedure, doing schoolwork, feeding pets, and other responsibilities. Set up a chart to monitor their chores. Talk about how the rules you have in your home may be similar or different from those in other homes they might visit or in the classroom at school. Wanna hear it? Whenever possible, include your children in setting the rules and consequences, both positive and negative.

Lights should be out at Do you want time to read in bed before then or go right to bed? Take as much time as necessary to explain or demonstrate to your child exactly what is expected, and even have the child go through the process several times so that there is no question about the desired outcome. When not implemented correctly, refer to the standard you explained or demonstrated and revisit it.

This is the easiest form of discipline. As children demonstrate responsible behavior, they should be offered additional privileges and freedom. For example, completing chores without whining and complaining might earn a child a day off from a particularly disliked chore. Adhering to curfew might mean a later night on occasion or more opportunities to socialize with friends.

One mother reported that she had trouble getting her children ready for school in time to catch the bus. Each slip contained a special reward such as getting to choose what they wanted for dinner, having the last piece of chocolate cake in their lunch, or getting to select the video to watch that evening. Only those children who Creating a Sense of Security 43 arrived at the breakfast table on time got to pull a slip from the can.

Later, the can was put there only occasionally rather than every day. She reported that it solved the problem. Transferring responsibility from parent to child is a continuum as children begin to take on more and more responsibility for themselves. Discuss what your family would be like if you had no rules and no enforcement of expectations.

Develop a plan with your family to handle emergencies. Talk about what your children should do in different kinds of emergencies, what they might wish to take with them if you have time, where you might meet, a common person to contact, where essential equipment is stored and how to use it. Have a practice session.

Whenever you are able to anticipate a problem, it helps to give the child a choice by discussing the consequences that are likely to take place if failure should occur. For example, if toys are not picked up as asked or expected, the agreement might be to have them removed from use for a period of time. When consequences have been set out ahead of time, you can reinforce the fact that the child had the choice of following the rule or assuming the penalty. This procedure helps to foster a sense of responsibility and personal power.

The important goal is to make 44 Parenting with Purpose certain such agreements are enforced consistently. For this reason both single- and two-career parents should make certain that all adults responsible for the child or children understand the standards of behavior set at home and strive to be consistent in their expectations and enforcement. When two parents have different standards or lack consistency in enforcement, a child will learn how to work one adult against the other.

This is also true when divorced parents have two different sets of expectations and approaches to discipline. Every effort should be made to reach agreement between the adults involved. At the same time, you need to deal with your children in a caring, supportive way to help them express their anger. Usually the time to talk about misbehavior is not when the problem is occurring but later, when everyone has calmed down and can respond rationally. Sending the child to his or her room is sometimes appropriate, but that may not be seen as a punishment when there are lots of pleasant things to do there.

If he is to remain there for a period of minutes, only count the minutes when the child is in full compliance rather than fussing or screaming. It may help to express empathy for the unhappy feelings the child may be experiencing, but that you are only following up on the consequence of his or her choice not to follow directions. If a child creates a mess the consequence should carry with it the responsibility for cleaning it up.

Not coming to dinner when dinner is ready may result in having to eat a cold dinner. It is easier to use consequences when certain privileges have been established for following the rules or procedures. Children are generally more highly motivated to respond to privileges than they are to avoid punishments. Punishments are more apt to be resented than natural consequences because punishments typically are not related to the misbehavior. Often the punishment that is administered is not done respectfully, but instead is punitive and results in hostility and antagonism. The alarm clock would then be set for that time.

If the alarm sounded, the consequence was that she had to come in 30 minutes earlier next time. Through self-monitoring, feelings of personal responsibility were reinforced rather than her resenting having a parent monitor her behavior. Some parents like to give rewards for good behavior with money or material items like toys, but establishing consequences for choices and connecting the cause and effect is much more meaningful and helpful in establishing self-discipline.

Have your child make a list of the rewards that would really motivate him or her. Use this list as a basis for rewarding behaviors that are really important to you. Take one area where you would like your children to take greater personal responsibility, and reach agreement on what would be an appropriate natural consequence for failing to take responsibility. Why children misbehave Every parent has to deal on occasion with the problem of a misbehaving child. It is not the time to escalate the problem by yelling at your child or taking steps you might not take at a more rational moment.

It is important that you come up with a hypothesis as to what your misbehaving child is trying to convey to you. Since most young children lack the verbal skills or the personal awareness to understand their underlying feelings and motivation, you need to become a detective, so to speak, to guess what the problem is.

This is important because we can respond in ways that make the problem worse unless we have some idea as to what the 48 Parenting with Purpose child is trying to communicate. There seem to be four common explanations as to why children misbehave: 1. Seeking to gain attention 2.

Looking to gain power 3. Engaging in revengeful behavior 4. It might be by whining, complaining, not following through on their responsibilities, picking on siblings, etc. This may be due to the fact that you have been too busy for them or that other siblings, such as a new baby, have received more attention than they. If we choose to isolate the child or become angry because of his or her misbehavior, we may just make the problem worse. An effective way to head off the problem is to create ways by which your child can obtain positive attention, perhaps by having him sit next to you, by your sitting down to listen to whatever she wishes to talk about, or by asking him or her to help you.

They may engage in power struggles by being passive rather than by acting out. Thus it is advisable to try to distract the child or defuse the situation to avoid getting into a power struggle with your child whenever possible. Other strategies include distracting the child or defusing the situation by moving on to another setting. Another strategy is to review with your child the limits, agreements, or procedures that have been laid out earlier and the reason why those were established and the importance of keeping those standards.

In some cases setting up a small reward for behaving in ways agreed upon is effective. Some might advocate spanking a child for disrespectful behavior, but for several reasons this is not a form of punishment which we recommend. Hence, using physical punishment would violate that objective.

Second, when we take our frustrations out on a child it can easily result in serious injury or abuse. Third, when physical punishment is used it tends to destroy your relationship with the child, causing 50 Parenting with Purpose resentment, hate, fear and insecurity rather than mutual respect and love. This is especially true for children of school age. Again, disrespectful behavior should not be allowed to go unchecked, but try to seek a consequence other than physical spanking. They may sulk, scowl or lash out. They can seem to be on edge as if they are apt to explode at any time at the slightest provocation.

Such behavior may not even have been the result of anything you have done, but something that happened at school. Children seeking revenge or retaliation typically display hurt as well as anger. Our initial reaction is to respond with anger, frustration, or hurt, but that is only likely to escalate the problem. Teach them how they can express their hurt appropriately and invite them to talk about it with you.

The child feels more secure if she acts incapable so others will not expect so much from her. It can also occur if you were to ask your child to sing or perform in front of peers or other adults where he might suffer embarrass- Creating a Sense of Security 51 ment. In such a situation the child is apt to respond by acting up and refusing to do what he is asked.

The incident mentioned earlier when Bob resented having to entertain relatives at holiday times is one such example. Fortunately, the parents sat down and asked what the children were thinking and why they were being so resistant. After they had a chance to talk, the children explained their position and that became the end of holiday performances.

Fortunately, his cousins did not quit performing, as they both ended up playing with major symphony orchestras, often as soloists. In this way we are more apt to achieve positive interactions with our children and help them develop self-discipline. It is sometimes easier for adults to handle tasks than to require children to do those chores.

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However, having responsibilities can be a valuable learning experience for them. Children especially feel good about themselves when a parent or adult has enough faith in them to ask them to handle an important task. It conveys a sense of trust and enhances motivation. They basically want to be helpful. This is especially true for activities that contribute to the welfare of those in their family or community.

Taking care of pets can be an excellent way to begin handling responsibilities, along with keeping their room reasonably well picked up. When there are several children in the family, it helps to sometimes rotate the chores so one child is not always stuck with the same tasks. It also makes it easier when everyone in the Creating a Sense of Security 53 family is doing chores at the same time rather than having to force children to do their chores when everyone else is enjoying a TV program. Having a designated time to do the chore, such as homework for example, makes it easier to enforce and builds selfresponsibility when the child begins to take on the chore without being reminded.

By making certain that your child clearly understands how and when the task is to be completed, you can avoid problems later. In this way children can check off the chores or put a star next to their names when the assigned chores have been done. Sometimes a reward such as being able to decide what they want for dinner at the end of the week serves as an incentive to complete their chores each day. Changing reward strategies helps to remind your children how much they have grown and how much more responsibility they have assumed. Ultimately, children should reach the stage when no incentives are necessary and doing chores just becomes a routine—simply because they are members of a family.

Give allowance or compensation only for those things the child does for the rest of the family. Discuss how it applies to home chores. Have your children evaluate the degree to which they take responsibility for themselves with respect to such things as chores, cleanliness, promptness, homework, money, eating, etc. Help your young child organize toys by choosing a place for each toy. Give your child a chance to be involved in decision making by asking him where he would like to keep each toy. Then label containers with pictures of what belongs inside. Give children choices Children need to feel that they have a choice in such matters as what to wear, where to go, what to do, and what to say.

By giving them choices we also prepare them for independent, responsible decision making. This takes time and training. It also helps when they are treated with respect and the choice is stated in terms of a preference. A general guideline is to limit the number of choices to the age of the child. Thus, a child two years of age should not be given more than two choices, or a child of three not more than three choices.

When children make an independent choice, it is often a good practice on occasion to have them evaluate the decision so that Creating a Sense of Security 55 they can learn to make a more appropriate choice the next time. Adolescents often like to try out new roles and experiences. It is important for them to be able to do so in a safe environment while understanding the possible consequences of their behaviors and actions. In order for children to feel comfortable in making choices and taking risks, they need to feel they can trust you and your judgment.

This is especially important when they are facing new situations, trying a new skill, or struggling to learn. They need to feel comfortable enough to try for success and to risk failure. Let them know when you feel you, yourself, are taking a risk so that they see that it is a natural experience. Talk with them about the worst thing that could happen to them as a result of taking that risk. Doing so will help them anticipate the possibilities, develop a plan to address the situation, lessen the possibility of failure, and help them decide if the risk is worth taking.

If they could handle the consequence of not succeeding then it might be worth taking that risk. She gave her permission to go, but failed to have them evaluate the conditions under which it would be appropriate to use their paint guns. When their paint balls ended up splattering some of the buildings in the area, the boys were arrested and required to appear before a judge for defacing property.

The mother, being conscientious, felt she was responsible since she permitted them to go. She considered taking the blame herself and excusing the boys. However, had she done so, the boys might have learned from this experience to shift the blame onto someone else next 56 Parenting with Purpose time rather than learn to be more responsible in their use of the paint guns. Consequently, both she and the boys went before the judge, as she felt they shared in the responsibility for what happened.

Many children have anxiety over losing a parent because one of their playmates or schoolmates had this happen. Children need to understand that situations may change but most of the familiar aspects of their lives will not be affected. Whenever changes in family conditions, living arrangements, employment, or school attendance can be anticipated, explain to your child what is to take place and what plans are being made. Most children also have fears—fear of the dark, fear of animals, fear of strangers, fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of themselves so that others will laugh at them.

The fears may seem trivial to you, but to children these fears can be frightening. Take time to talk with your children about their fears in ways that enable them to deal with those fears. Enable your children to believe that they can be in control and deal with their anxieties rather than be controlled by them. One helpful technique is to have your child list all the things he fears might happen.

Then brainstorm with him ways he might deal with those situations if they should occur. The child who is prepared ahead of time for such situations is less apt to feel a sense of anxiety and fear whenever in those situations. Creating a Sense of Security 57 Some activities to consider: 1. Have your child discuss some of the things he fears or worries about and whether or not these areas of concern are real or imagined.

Share with your children the fears that you use to have that no longer bother you. Try to recall how you overcame those fears. Summary The objective in fostering a sense of security is to convey to children the feeling that their family is a safe harbor, a place of physical and emotional safety.

Fears and anxieties are reduced and trust is developed as children learn to anticipate situations and explore possible solutions. Within the family, children will feel secure because they feel loved and protected, are treated with respect, given choices and opportunities for expression and self development, and have a clear understanding of parental expectations.

They will assume responsibilities as contributing members of the family and accept control of their own behaviors and actions with loving discipline that provides guidelines and consequences. The gradual growth toward an internal sense of control will enable them to act independently and responsibly and with the self-esteem necessary for resiliency in life. It is an invisible organ. It is our identity. All our feelings, need for expression, our fears, the conscious and unconscious are related to that identity and this is what determines our actions.

This is a basic need all children have. Most parents would like to see in their children qualities like empathy, caring, consideration, compassion, and respect for others. These qualities are generally considered to be essential in order to achieve success in so many professions and certainly in those that involve helping or serving others. Children act in ways that are consistent with how they see themselves and the expectations they believe others have of them. If they have negative feelings about themselves, there is a natural tendency for them to relate to others in negative rather than positive ways.

Developing a positive sense of identity or self-concept should therefore be one of your purposes in parenting. The child who sees himself or herself as unattractive will act in ways that are consistent with that self-concept.

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A boy who is referred to as a bully is quite likely to act like a bully because that is 60 Parenting with Purpose what he believes others expect of him. If children see themselves as unworthy of respect they are likely to accept abuse as something they deserve. On the other hand, a child who is referred to as a star and a leader is likely to act in more positive ways. The sense of identity begins at an early age, even before children begin to walk or talk, as it stems initially from parental feedback.

They begin to develop feelings of being loved and being OK, or of falling short and being rejected based on the feedback they have taken in. If you are anxious and fearful about your children or their activities, your children are likely to doubt their own abilities. The sense of identity is actually composed of multiple self-images. For example, a child may have a positive self-image as a son or daughter. However, there may come a time when being accepted by peers becomes more important and those feelings may not be nearly so positive.

It thus becomes important for you to understand what areas are most important to your child, discuss how she feels, what might make her feel better, and what support she would like from you to achieve that. It is important that you, as a parent, provide positive feedback whenever possible to create a positive sense of identity.

Sometimes parents mistakenly cast their children into roles to meet their own personal needs. This might work out well in some situations—but only if the child has the ability to meet those expectations. However, if those expectations are unrealistic, children are apt to suffer from low self-esteem. Your child needs to feel capable of being loved and entitled to happiness— that sense of personal worth and self-respect. Every child needs to understand her uniqueness and realize there is no other child in the world exactly like her. For all children, make the distinction between their behavior and who they really are.

This is an effective way to get children to change their behavior. Let them know when their behavior is inconsistent with the beautiful, kind people you believe they really are inside. Help them believe they are basically good and any other actions may not be truly representative of their true selves. The Bible states that God loves them, created them uniquely in His image, and will never withhold his love from them. By increasing your respect, interest, and concern for your child, you can change the way your child feels about himself or herself.

Behavioral change then comes naturally for both you and your child. A word of caution, however! Children can be over-programmed with lessons and activities. Children may make new discoveries and develop passions through simple observations or experiences. Children need to understand there are multiple ways to learn. Some are more sensitive to visual images than others. Others may learn best by listening or by experiencing concepts through 64 Parenting with Purpose their motor senses.

Some seem to have inborn talent in music, others in math, others in art or dance. However, children never know which ways they learn best unless they have multiple experiences learning in different ways. Without such opportunities, they may avoid entering into activities with their peers, believing they have no talent in that area, or they may end up trying out new roles in an unsafe environment.

Such children are not likely to respond defensively to criticism or comments regarding their weaknesses, because they are well aware of them. Seeing oneself as being unique should not imply that one is better than anyone else—just different. We need to avoid creating children who become conceited because they feel they are better than others. Neither do we wish for them to become so self-centered that they do not value the importance of others.

We want our children to sense their uniqueness while at the same time respecting those around them. Sometimes adults have used children to meet their own needs for recognition. It is easy to slip into the trap of trying to live out our unrealized dreams through the lives of our children. Strengthening the Sense of Identity 65 Some activities to consider: 1.

Help your child discover how he is unique. Take a magnifying glass and have him look carefully at his thumbprint. Have your child lie on a large piece of butcher paper so you can trace an outline of her body. Then have her color it, drawing her face and clothes. Have her put it on her bedroom door. Point out the skills and qualities you observe that make your child unique and special. Talk with your children about how they see themselves and their behavior versus how they would like to be known. What would they change? Who are their heroes?

What qualities do they have that are heroic or admirable? Youth sports are a great opportunity to build self-esteem and personal skills because sports and athletic ability are highly valued in our society. Sports can also provide a great opportunity for children to learn to work together as a team. Competitive sports provide multiple opportunities for developing mental toughness, but competition can also be a source of great frustration and discouragement. Most children enjoy competition—if they feel they have an opportunity to win or participate on an equal level.

However, when children are pushed into competitive situations where they have no chance of winning or where there is undue pressure placed on them to excel, they are likely to get down on themselves 66 Parenting with Purpose and convince themselves there is something wrong with them. Such unconditional love and feelings of worth normally come from those closest to children, their parents. Such love must not be conditional on their achievements, but must always be there for them. It is possible for some children to become high achievers and gain recognition from others and yet not feel good about themselves for a variety of reasons.

Gifted girls, for example, sometimes downplay their intellectual prowess in order to feel more accepted by their peers. This was the case with Conrad, a tall, good-looking tenth grade student. This is why it is so important to let your child know that your love can always be counted on, that your love is not dependent on a certain level of achievement. Strengthening the Sense of Identity 67 The same is true regarding behavior. Unconditional love can be demonstrated in numerous ways— both verbal and nonverbal.

Research has documented the importance of physical touching. An affectionate hug or pat on the back is one important way in which to express love and affection. Your child is an important person! When you do this, the rest comes naturally. You automatically react to your child in ways that build a strong sense of identity. Laugh together, share ideas and experiences, and express your love in various little ways. This means listening to your children and taking their ideas into serious consideration. Avoid yelling at them, making fun of them in front of others, putting down their ideas as silly, or urging them to keep their mouths shut.

It must therefore be well grounded in reality. This requires honest feedback. The feedback given should be balanced so children gain an accurate picture of themselves and how they 68 Parenting with Purpose are perceived by others. Unfortunately, in most families children receive more negative criticism than positive feedback. Children are well aware when praise is not truly deserved.

It leads them to discount your words and not trust your judgment. They experience far more frustration and criticism or ridicule from their peers than the average child. Teach your child to make positive self-statements about himself or herself, for we all talk with ourselves. Encourage your child to use positive self-talk. Discuss with your children why a young person might be gifted intellectually and yet not feel good about himself or herself. Have your children share how they believe their grandparents feel about them. Ask them to compare this with how they believe their parents feel about them, or their siblings or friends.

Find multiple ways to express love for your child. Use Post-It Notes to place messages on a pillow, inside a lunch box, or on a mirror. Young children can look at vegetables and fruits and talk about how they are alike and different and sort them by color or shape.

Ask your young children to compare vegetables to people, to show how each or us is unique and valuable. You can help your children by drawing attention to their attributes of character, positive characteristics, skills, and accomplishments rather than focusing on their weak areas. He was diagnosed with dyslexia. His son enjoyed taking apart anything mechanical that ran, including clocks, lawn motor engines, and motorcycles. However, he became a successful motorcycle racer and mechanic. As he matured, he realized he had other ambitions so he began to set goals for himself.

He decided to complete his education, and worked hard to become a commercial airline pilot, a career he dearly enjoys today. He capitalized on his strengths rather than worry about his weaknesses, and accomplished great things. It was more important to her that she have good friends rather than good grades. Strengthening the Sense of Identity 71 Consider for a moment what qualities you value most in your child.

So it is important for you as a parent to point out how valuable these qualities are. You might even mention how your child might use these qualities in the work he or she might do as an adult. It is easier for us to pay particular attention to grades on the report card, but some of these other qualities may prove to be far more important than good grades or test scores.

This is a time when they need to be reassured and perhaps view themselves from a more realistic perspective. Point out to your children some of their positive qualities that compensate for the negative ones they see. Help your child see how he is growing and changing. If there is one aspect of himself that he really dislikes, have him set a goal to change it if it is something he can change.

Reaffirm 72 Parenting with Purpose your belief in his innate goodness, worth and capability. Point out hidden wellsprings of talent or ability he may not see in himself. This contributes to his positive sense of identity. Have children develop a notebook of things that make them feel proud.

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These photos are likely to feature in their dreams at night. Ask your child what she feels are her best qualities or strengths. Share your perceptions as well. Talk about how important you believe those qualities are. Make a medallion for each new skill accomplished. Have your child make a family tree showing the qualities or strengths they admire in each of their family members. Intrapersonal skills are those that enable children to fully understand themselves and their emotions. The familiar and comfortable self known from childhood is in a state of dramatic Strengthening the Sense of Identity 73 change.

Up to this point, young people have typically learned to act in accord with adult expectations. But now they are anxious to gain peer acceptance. You can help with this by discussing with them the emotions they have and how they might deal with those feelings. Many children have a fear of expressing true emotions such as fear, anxiety, loss, or shame. This is especially helpful for young children. As children grow older they will need to develop the practice of choosing how they want to deal with their feelings, rather than responding without thinking. You can help develop the skill of dealing with emotions by teaching children words that can be used to express feelings— words such as frustrated, discouraged, disappointed, jealous, anxious, delighted, and ecstatic.

When children become aware of the feelings they have, they can use these words to communicate the nature of their feelings. When this happens, children need to realize that there are a variety of options for dealing with the intense feelings this causes. But the more nebulous benefits of a freer child culture are harder to explain in a grant application, even though experiments bear them out.

The teachers feared chaos, but in fact what they got was less naughtiness and bullying—because the kids were too busy and engaged to want to cause trouble, the principal said. In the past decade, the percentage of college-age kids taking psychiatric medication has spiked, according to a study by the American College Counseling Association. The data show that children have become:. In the U. Meanwhile, the Welsh government has explicitly adopted a strategy to encourage active independent play, rather than book learning, among young children, paving the way for a handful of adventure playgrounds like the Land and other play initiatives.

Whether Americans will pick up on the British vibe is hard to say, although some hopeful signs are appearing. And in Washington, D. Located at a private school called Beauvoir, it has a zip line and climbing structures that kids of all ages perceive as treacherous. He said the board was concerned about safety but also wanted an exciting playground; the safety guidelines are, after all these years, still just guidelines. But the real cultural shift has to come from parents.

There is a big difference between avoiding major hazards and making every decision with the primary goal of optimizing child safety or enrichment, or happiness. We can no more create the perfect environment for our children than we can create perfect children. To believe otherwise is a delusion, and a harmful one; remind yourself of that every time the panic rises. Even by my relatively laissez-faire parenting standards, the situation seemed dicey.

The light was fading, the slope was very steep, and Christian, the kid who was doing the pushing, was only 7. Also, the creek was frigid, and I had no change of clothes for Gideon. I inched close enough to hear the exchange. Christian had already taught Gideon how to climb up to the highest slide and manage the rope swing. Down he went, and landed in the creek. In my experience, Gideon is very finicky about water. I started scheming how to get him new clothes. Ask Christian to get his father? Or, failing that, persuade Gideon to sit a while with the big boys by the fire?

Milton Abel II reflects on the event that led to his decision to leave the upper echelon of the restaurant world. An impeachment of President Donald Trump is both deserved and dangerous. The danger is getting lost in the rush of events. The process will almost certainly end with Trump acquitted, and acquitted in a reelection year. Meanwhile, impeachment is likely to do Trump less and less political harm the longer it lasts. As the Trump presidency daily proves, people can get used to anything. This latest Trump scandal led to an impeachment inquiry because it happened so fast —the shock was still fresh.

Then they blurred into the avalanche of Trump awfulness. Trump is protected by the sheer number of his high crimes and misdemeanors. He will certainly commit more, and then these latest risk being buried. The whistle-blower scandal that has prompted the fourth presidential impeachment process in American history has put a spectacle from earlier this decade back on display: the jaw-smacking feast of scavengers who circled around Ukraine as Viktor Yanukovych, a Moscow-linked kleptocrat, was driven from power.

The renewed focus on Ukraine raises jangling questions: How did dealing in influence to burnish the fortunes of repugnant world leaders for large payoffs become a business model? The Framers underestimated the extent to which a demagogue might convince his supporters that the president and the people are one and the same. The policy of deliberate child torture was insufficient. But when the president attempted to use his authority to extort a foreign leader into implicating one of his political rivals, a former vice president and longtime Democratic senator, in criminal activity, the leadership of the Democratic Party seemed to suddenly recognize what it was facing.

If Trump could do this to Joe Biden, after all, he could do it to any of them. Her Instagram account reads like Brideshead Revisited meets Twilight meets Vanity Fair magazine circa , when greed was good and having money was a golden superpower. Let us begin with the 45 servings of eggplant salad made in the tiny kitchen of a studio apartment in Greenwich Village, transported to a Brooklyn loft, and served as a homemade lunch to ticketed guests.

It was so tasty that many people asked for—and were generously given, at no extra cost—second helpings. If you are running a short con that involves driving eggplant salad to another borough, you might as well find honest work, because you lack the grifter mentality. The majority of her followers are young white women, a demographic not underrepresented in the world of media, and so—improbably enough—this micro-event was covered just about everywhere, including in The New York Times, The Washington Post , NBC, you name it.

On October 31, , a young naturalist named Charles Darwin walked onto the deck of the HMS Beagle and realized that the ship had been boarded by thousands of intruders. Tiny red spiders, each a millimeter wide, were everywhere. The ship was 60 miles offshore, so the creatures must have floated over from the Argentinian mainland. Spiders have no wings, but they can take to the air nonetheless. This behavior is called ballooning. It might carry spiders away from predators and competitors, or toward new lands with abundant resources.

Spiders have been found two-and-a-half miles up in the air, and 1, miles out to sea. It will allways afford me pleasure I assure you, to hear from you. The idea of American exceptionalism has become so dubious that much of its modern usage is merely sarcastic. But when it comes to religion, Americans really are exceptional. No rich country prays nearly as much as the U. S, and no country that prays as much as the U. In the late 19th century, an array of celebrity philosophers—the likes of Friedrich Nietzsche, Karl Marx, and Sigmund Freud— proclaimed the death of God, and predicted that atheism would follow scientific discovery and modernity in the West, sure as smoke follows fire.

During the campaign, I received a phone call from an influential political journalist and author, who was soliciting my thoughts on Donald Trump. Bush administrations and the George W. Bush White House. The musician wrote his new book, To Feel the Music , the same way he makes records—according to a highly evolved aesthetic of half-assedness. Neil Young is a musical colossus, a modern father of the American imagination, and—at 73—still an unbelievable guitar player. Electricity pours through him, coming out of his instrument in sheared-off melodies and gerontic thrusts of noise. His great songs are life-altering.

But he writes weird books, and this is another one. Deliriously boring in parts. Hard to market, too, I would imagine, because where do you put it? Also, it has two authors, one of whom is not Neil Young. An entirely new genre perhaps: the rock star business tech memoir by two authors. Once their fears materialized, White House aides allegedly went into overdrive to suppress the call.

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  5. Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships.
  6. Placer City Underground: OG Casanovas Crime Saga (OG Casanovas Crime Saga Book 1)?
  7. According to the whistle-blower report released yesterday , White House lawyers instructed that a rough transcript of the call be removed from a computer system. Instead, it was placed in a special system for particularly sensitive classified information. The New York Times reports that records of the call were distributed on paper, rather than electronically, to try to control their spread. The administration then fought tooth and nail to prevent the legally required release of the whistle-blower report to Congress, an apparently unprecedented maneuver that ultimately failed.

    The Overprotected Kid A preoccupation with safety has stripped childhood of independence, risk taking, and discovery—without making it safer. Share Tweet. Emily Buder Sep 27, Census Bureau, , and the proportion of foreign-born residents today As of , 25 percent of children ages in the United States had at least one immigrant parent, compared with Immigrants to the United States vary in their countries of origin, their reception in different communities, and the resources available to them.

    Researchers increasingly have called attention to the wide variation not only among but also within immigrant groups, including varying premigration histories, familiarity with U. In many cases, community-level changes have overwhelmed the capacity of local child care providers and health service workers to respond to the language barriers and cultural parenting practices of the newly arriving immigrant groups, particularly if they have endured trauma. For example, many U. Immigrants often bring valuable social and human capital to the United States, including unique competencies and sociocultural strengths.

    Indeed, many young immigrant children display health and learning outcomes better than those of children of native-born parents in similar socioeconomic positions Crosnoe, At the same time, however, children with immigrant parents are more likely than children in native-born families to grow up poor Hernandez et al. Census Bureau, Over this same time, the percentage of non-Hispanic white children under age 10 declined from 60 percent to 52 percent, while the percentage of Hispanic ethnicity of any race grew from about 19 percent to 25 percent U.

    The above-noted shifts in the demographic landscape with regard to family structure, including increases in divorce rates and cohabitation, new types of parental relationships, and the involvement of grandparents and other relatives in the raising of children Cancian and Reed, ; Fremstad and Boteach, , have implications for how best to support families.

    Between and , the percentage of children under age 18 who lived with two married parents biological, nonbiological, or adoptive decreased from approximately 85 percent to 64 percent. In , 8 percent of children lived in households headed by single mothers; by , that figure had tripled to about 24 percent Child Trends Databank, b ; U.

    Meanwhile, the proportions of children living with only their fathers or with neither parent with either relatives or non-relatives have remained relatively steady since the mids, at about 4 percent see Figure Black children are significantly more likely to live in households headed by single mothers and also are more likely to live in households where neither parent is present.

    In , 34 percent of black. From to , the number of cohabiting couples with children rose from 1. Moreover, data from the National Health Interview Survey show that in , 30, children under age 18 had married same-sex parents and , had unmarried same-sex parents, and between 1. More families than in years past rely on kinship care full-time care of children by family members other than parents or other adults with whom children have a family-like relationship.

    When parents are unable to care for their children because of illness, military deployment, incarceration, child abuse, or other reasons, kinship care can help cultivate familial and community bonds, as well as provide children with a sense of stability and belonging Annie E. Casey Foundation, ; Winokur et al. It is estimated that the number of children in kinship care grew six times the rate of the number of children in the general population over the past decade Annie E. Casey Foundation, In , 7 percent of children lived in households headed by grandparents, as compared with 3 percent in Child Trends Databank, b , and as of , about 10 percent of American children lived in a household where a grandparent was present Ellis and Simmons, Black children are twice as likely as the overall population of children to live in kinship arrangements, with about 20 percent of black children spending time in kinship care at some point.

    Beyond kinship care, about , U. Of the total number of children in foster care, 7 percent are under age 1, 33 percent are ages , and 23 percent are ages Child Trends Databank, c. Other information about the structure of American families is more difficult to come by. For example, there is a lack of data with which to assess trends in the number of children who are raised by extended family members through informal arrangements as opposed to through the foster care system. As noted earlier, fathers, including biological fathers and other male caregivers, have historically been underrepresented in parenting research despite their essential role in the development of young children.

    Young children with involved and nurturing fathers develop better linguistic and cognitive skills and capacities, including academic readiness, and are more emotionally secure and have better social connections with peers as they get older Cabrera and Tamis-LeMonda, ; Harris and Marmer, ; Lamb, ; Pruett, ; Rosenberg and Wilcox, ; Yeung et al.

    Conversely, children with disengaged fathers have been found to be more likely to develop behavioral problems Amato and Rivera, ; Ramchandani et al. In two-parent families, 16 percent of fathers were stay-at-home parents in , compared with 10 percent in ; 21 percent of these fathers stayed home specifically to care for their home or family, up from 5 percent in Livingston, At the same time, however, fewer fathers now live with their biological children because of increases in nonmarital childbearing U.

    In addition, as alluded to earlier, parents of young children face trans-formative changes in technology that can have a strong impact on parenting and family life Collier, Research conducted by the Pew Internet and American Life Project shows that, relative to other household configurations, married parents with children under age 18 use the Internet and cell phones, own computers, and adopt broadband at higher rates Duggan and Lenhart, Other types of households, however, such as single-parent and unmarried multiadult households, also show high usage of technology, particularly text messaging and social media Smith, Research by the Pew Research Center shows that many parents—25 percent in.

    At the same time, however, parents also are saturated with information and faced with the difficulty of distinguishing valid information from fallacies and myths about raising children Aubrun and Grady, ; Center on Media and Human Development, ; Dworkin et al. Given the number and magnitude of innovations in media and communications technologies, parents may struggle with understanding the optimal use of technology in the lives of their children.


    Despite engagement with Internet resources, parents still report turning to family, friends, and physicians more often than to online sources such as Websites, blogs, and social network sites for parenting advice Center on Media and Human Development, And although the relationship between media use and childhood obesity is challenging to disentangle, studies have found that children who spend more time with media are more likely to be overweight than children who do not see Chapter 2 Bickham et al.

    The benefits of the information age have included reduced barriers to knowledge for both socially advantaged and disadvantaged groups. Yet despite rapidly decreasing costs of many technologies e. A digital divide also exists between single-parent and two-parent households, as the cost of a computer and monthly Internet service can be more of a financial burden for the former families, which on average have lower household incomes Allen and Rainie, ; Dworkin et al.

    The committee conducted an extensive review of the scientific literature pertaining to the questions raised in its statement of task Box It did not undertake a full review of all parenting-related studies because it was tasked with providing a targeted report that would direct stakeholders to best practices and succinctly capture the state of the science. Additional literature and other resources were identified by committee members and project staff using traditional academic research methods and online searches. The committee focused its review on research published in peer-reviewed journals and books including individual studies, review articles, and meta-analyses , as well as reports issued by government agencies and other organizations.

    In reviewing the literature and formulating its conclusions and recommendations, the committee considered several, sometimes competing, dimensions of empirical work: internal validity, external validity, practical significance, and issues of implementation, such as scale-up with fidelity Duncan et al. With regard to internal validity , the committee viewed random-assignment experiments as the primary model for establishing cause- and-effect relationships between variables with manipulable causes e. Given the relatively limited body of evidence from experimental studies in the parenting literature, however, the committee also considered findings from quasi-experimental studies including those using regression discontinuity, instrumental variables, and difference-in-difference techniques based on natural experiments Duncan et al.

    These include longitudinal studies and limited cross-sectional studies. When there are different sources of evidence, often with some differences in estimates of the strength of the evidence, the committee used its collective experience to integrate the information and draw reasoned conclusions.

    With regard to external validity , the committee attempted to take into account the extent to which findings can be generalized across population groups and situations. This entailed considering the demographic, socioeconomic, and other characteristics of study participants; whether variables were assessed in the real-world contexts in which parents and children live e.

    However, the research literature is limited in the extent to which generalizations across population groups and situations are examined. With regard to practical significance , the committee considered the magnitude of likely causal impacts within both an empirical context i. As discussed elsewhere in this report, however, the committee found limited economic evidence with which to draw conclusions about investing in interventions at scale or to weigh the costs and benefits of interventions.

    See the discussion of other information-gathering activities below. Also with respect to practical significance, the committee considered the manipulability of the variables under consideration in real-world contexts, given that the practical significance of study results depend on whether the variables examined are represented or experienced commonly or uncommonly among particular families Fabes et al.

    Finally, the committee took into account issues of implementation , such as whether interventions can be brought to and sustained at scale Durlak and DuPre, ; Halle et al. Experts in the field of implementation science emphasize not only the evidence behind programs but also the fundamental roles of scale-up, dissemination planning, and program monitoring and evaluation.

    Scale-up in turn requires attending to the ability to implement adaptive program practices in response to heterogeneous, real-world contexts, while also ensuring fidelity for the potent levers of change or prevention Franks and Schroeder, Thus, the committee relied on both evidence on scale-up, dissemination, and sustainability from empirically based programs and practices that have been implemented and. Although each of these databases is unique with respect to its history, sponsors, and objectives NREPP covers mental health and substance abuse interventions, CEBC is focused on evidence relevant to child welfare, and Blueprints describes programs designed to promote the health and well-being of children , all are recognized nationally and internationally and undergo a rigorous review process.

    Each has two top categories—optimal and promising—for programs and practices see Appendix B ; see also Burkhardt et al. Given the relatively modest investment in research on programs for parents and young children, however, the array of programs that are highly rated remains modest. For this reason, the committee considered as programs with the most robust evidence not only those included in the top two categories of Blueprints and CEBC but also those with an average rating of 3 or higher in NREPP. In addition, the committee chose to consider findings from research using methodological approaches that are emerging as a source of innovation and improvement.

    These approaches are gaining momentum in parent-. Examples are breakthrough series collaborative approaches, such as the Home Visiting Collaborative Innovation and Improvement Network to Reduce Infant Mortality, and designs such as factorial experiments that have been used to address topics relevant to this study. The committee held two open public information-gathering sessions to hear from researchers, practitioners, parents, and other stakeholders on topics germane to this study and to supplement the expertise of the committee members see Appendix A for the agendas of these open sessions.

    Material from these open sessions is referenced in this report where relevant. Cost is an important consideration for the implementation of parenting programs at scale. Therefore, the committee commissioned a paper reviewing the available economic evidence for investing in parenting programs at scale to inform its deliberations on this portion of its charge.

    Findings and excerpts from this paper are integrated throughout Chapters 3 through 6. The committee also commissioned a second paper summarizing evidence-based strategies used by health care systems and providers to help parents acquire and sustain knowledge, attitudes, and practices that promote healthy child development.

    Lastly, a commissioned paper on evidence-based strategies to support parents of children with mental illness formed the basis for a report section on this population. In addition, the committee conducted two sets of group and individual semistructured interviews with parents participating in family support programs at community-based organizations in Omaha, Nebraska, and Washington, D.

    Parents provided feedback on the strengths they bring to parenting, challenges they face, how services for parents can be improved, and ways they prefer to receive parenting information, among other topics. The committee recognized that to a certain degree, ideas about what is considered effective parenting vary across cultures and ecological conditions, including economies, social structures, religious beliefs, and moral values Cushman, To address this variation, and in accordance with its charge, the committee examined research on how core parenting knowledge, attitudes, and practices differ by specific characteristics of children, parents, and contexts.

    However, because the research on parenting has traditionally underrepresented several populations e. Also, recognizing that nearly every facet of society has a role to play in supporting parents and ensuring that children realize their full potential, the committee reviewed not only strategies designed expressly for parents e.

    As noted earlier in this chapter, this report was informed by a life-course perspective on parenting, given evidence from neuroscience and a range of related research that the early years are a critical period in shaping how individuals fare throughout their lives. A number of principles guided this study. Relational practices are those focused primarily on intervening with families using compassion, active and reflective listening, empathy, and other techniques. In addition, family-centered practices focused on the context of successful parenting are a key third form of support for parenting.

    Parenting Success SECRET Of Raising Successful Kids

    A premise of the committee is that many interventions with the most troubled families and children will require all these types of services—often delivered concurrently over a lengthy period of time. Second, many programs are designed to serve families at particular risk for problems related to cognitive and social-emotional development, health, and well-being. Early Head Start and Head Start, for example, are means tested and designed for low-income families most of whom are known to face not just one risk factor low income but also others that often cluster together e.

    Special populations addressed in this report typically are at very high risk because of this exposure to multiple risk factors. Research has shown that children in such families have the poorest outcomes, in some instances reaching a level of toxic stress that seriously impairs their developmental functioning Shonkoff and Garner, Of course, in addition to characterizing developmental risk, it is essential to understand the corresponding adaptive processes and protective factors, as it is the balance of risk and protective factors that determines outcomes.

    In many ways, supporting parents is one way to attempt to change that balance. From an intervention point of view, several principles are central. First, intervention strategies need to be designed to have measurable effects over time and to be sustainable. Second, it is necessary to focus on the needs of individual families and to tailor interventions to achieve desired outcomes.

    The importance of personalized approaches is widely acknowledged in medicine, education, and other areas. An observation perhaps best illustrated in the section on parents of children with developmental disabilities in Chapter 5 , although the committee believes this approach applies to many of the programs described in this report.

    A corresponding core principle of intervention is viewing parents as equal partners, experts in what both they and their children need. It is important as well that multiple kinds of services for families be integrated and coordinated. As illustrated earlier. Prevention interventions encompass mental health promotion: universal prevention, defined as interventions that are valuable for all children; selected prevention, aimed at populations at high risk such as children whose parents have mental illness ; and indicated prevention, focused on children already manifesting symptoms.

    Treatment interventions include case identification, standard treatment for known disorders, accordance of long-term treatment with the goal of reduction in relapse or occurrence, and aftercare and rehabilitation National Research Council and Institute of Medicine, The committee recognizes that engaging and retaining children and families in parenting interventions are critical challenges. A key to promoting such engagement may be cultural relevance. Finally, the question of widespread implementation and dissemination of parenting interventions is critically important.

    Given the cost of testing evidence-based parenting programs, the development of additional programs needs to be built on the work that has been done before. Collectively, interventions also are more likely to achieve a significant level of impact if they incorporate some of the elements of prior interventions. In any case, a focus on the principles of implementation and dissemination clearly is needed. As is discussed in this report, the committee calls for more study and experience with respect to taking programs to scale.

    This report is divided into eight chapters. Chapter 2 examines desired outcomes for children and reviews the existing research on parenting knowledge, attitudes, and practices that support positive parent-child interactions and child outcomes. Based on the available research, this chapter identifies a set of core knowledge, attitudes, and practices. Chapter 3 provides a brief overview of some of the major federally funded programs and policies that support parents in the United States.

    Chapters 4 and 5 describe evidence-based and evidence-informed strategies for supporting parents and enabling the identified knowledge, attitudes, and practices, including universal and widely used interventions Chapter 4 and interventions targeted to parents of children with special needs and parents who themselves face adversities. Chapter 5. Chapter 7 describes a national framework for supporting parents of young children. Ainsworth, M. Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of one-year-olds in a strange situation. Child Development, 41 1 , Allen, K.

    Parents Online. Amato, P. Journal of Marriage and Family, 61 2 , Annie E. Casey Foundation. Aubrun, A. Barnett, W. The State of Preschool Bianchi, S. New York: Russell Sage Foundation. Bickham, D. Characteristics of screen media use associated with higher BMI in young adolescents. Pediatrics, 5 , Bornstein, M. Bowlby, J.

    Attachment theory and its therapeutic implications. Adolescent Psychiatry, 6 , New York: Basic Books. Bracht, G. The external validity of experiments. American Educational Research Journal, 5 4 , Bradley, R. Kalil and T. DeLeire Eds. Bronfenbrenner, U. Burkhardt, J. An overview of evidence-based program registers EBPRs for behavioral health. Evaluation and Program Planning, 48 , Cabrera, N. Handbook of Father Involvement: Multidisciplinary Perspective 2nd ed. Mahwah, NJ: Routledge. L, and Chae, S. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 26 3 , Cancian, M.

    Center on Media and Human Development. Evanston, IL: Northwestern University. Center on the Developing Child. Chen, F. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 21 3 , Child Trends Databank. Children in Poverty. Family Structure.